I AM...THE DEFENDER OF WILDLIFE...

I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick and tired of all these whining people trying to get money from me to protect this bear, or that owl, or the oil-covered pelican flopping in its final death throes at my feet. C'mon, people! Give me a break already!

Enough with this fair-market-coffee fueled assault. If I see one more picture of a dead wolf, a baby polar bear looking for its mother, or a film clip of a helicopter chasing a pack of wolves with muzzle flashes coming out the sides, I’m going to puke.

I'm getting so tired of getting these damn e-mails and things, that today I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to call "Defenders of Wildlife," and give them a piece of my mind!

DOW: "Hello, Defenders of Wildlife. How can I help you save our wildlife today?"

ME: "I want to speak to the Roger guy who's the president of "Defenders of Wildlife."

DOW: "I'm sure I can help you with any questions you might have sir!  And if for some reason I can't, we'll do everything we can to help you save our wildlife!"

ME: (Thinks fast) "Let's just put it this way son. I represent a very, VERY large donation to help "our wildlife," and if you don't put me through to your boss, like, now, I'm going to become bored of playing this game of trying to give you a very, VERY large donation, and go buy a completely restored 1928-J-fucking-Duesenberg from Barrett-Jackson that I've had my eye on!  (Pinches skin between thumb and forefinger until it hurts to keep from laughing. More fast thinking.)

"Wait...wait...no I'm not. First, I'm going to send a letter to Mr. Schlickeisen, by must-show-ID certified mail, telling him why I'm driving around in a pile of money that COULD have gone to "Defenders of Wildlife," if it weren't for the twerp that answered the phone who didn't know how to think on his feet, and just transfer the BIG money directly to his phone, instead of PISSING IT OFF!

"Sonny, are you so naive that you can't understand that some people who believe in your cause CAN'T OPENLY SUPPORT IT because it would RUIN THEM financially? Let me guess...Art degree?"

DOW: "I'm sorry sir. I’m just doing what I am told to do. I understand the special nature of your request quite thoroughly now. Mr. Schlickeisen, who quite honestly is usually NOT in his office, had a board meeting this morning, and is in his office at this time. I will put you through immediately. And to answer your question: Humanities. So no, I'm not that naive, nor am I unable to grasp the concept of quiet support without rippling the pond’s surface. One moment please."

ME: "Good one kid. I think you'll be just fine after all."

RING!  Instant hold, with music. Great. "At The Copa," by Manilow. How can I pull this off with THAT crap in my head? Think of Lemmy, think of Lemmy, think of Lemmy...

"Hello, Roger Schlickeisen. How may I help you?"

ME: "Good afternoon Roger. I wanted to speak with you person-to-person, to tell you how much I've enjoyed all your e-mails, text messages, and top-shelf web work, soliciting donations. I think I can help."

ROG: "Here at 'Defenders of Wildlife,' we do everything we can to help animals that can't help themselves!"

ME: "Well sir, that's exactly why I'm calling. I'm the 'everything' that you haven't tried yet, and I'm speaking to you in confidence, as someone who has the same passion for 'defending' our wildlife that you do. I also know you're an intelligent man; intelligent enough to listen to what it is I've got to say."

ROG: "I'm not quite sure I understand."

ME: "Well, you and I want to defend wildlife, right?"

ROG: "...Well...yes..."

ME: "And I'm not sure about you, but I'm getting a little sick and tired of people wiping out animal populations to make more money, and nothing concrete being done to halt them in their tracks. Slaughtering bears for their genitals, and selling them to Asians. Tigers as well. Hunting wolves…from helicopters. African elephant populations in established preserves, mowed down for two pieces of ivory, their rotting carcasses left in the sun as their calves wail and lay next to them, with the elders of the herd standing a lonely vigil by the corpse, sometimes for days.

“Anytime honest park rangers try and stop it, agents working for the men who profit from these activities are magically provided with movement data, radio frequencies, and anything they need to keep one step ahead of the over-taxed local law enforcement. Sometimes the honest park rangers pay with their lives.

“I've seen law after protective law passed that is either ignored, abused, has the teeth taken out of it, or is repealed when politicians who are paid off by the people who profit from these actions get into office."

ROG: "...Well...yes...I have seen some situations like that, and it can be an irritation of sorts..."

ME: "Well Roger, the time has come. I'm the answer to all your problems. I can defend our wildlife, keep people from ignoring or attempting to repeal those laws, and start doing something that will have an immediate, positive result for our friends in the wild."

ROG: "Yes! Brandon up front told me you had a rather serious donation for us. I just want to let you know that I've made it my life-long duty to keep fighting for wildlife, and stopping the unnecessary slaughter of..."

ME: "Exactly. That's why were having this conversation Roger. You see, I have a donation to make that’s more valuable than any donation you've ever had.  Right now.  Here. Today."

ROG: "Wonderful! We've been the benefactors of some very sizeable donations before, and we know how to accept them "quietly" from those who find themselves in delicate poitions..."

ME: "Ever had anyone donate their life?"

ROG: "Why, yes! Many people choose 'Defenders of Wildlife' as a beneficiary of their will. It always stirs the emotions to think that someone cares so much, that they would give, even in death. Is that why you’re calling Mister...ah...I don't believe I have your name?"

ME: "No Roger. Not a will. I said, 'Donate their life.' As in, the very essence of the life force that flows through their body; their soul, their limbs, the whole shooting match."

ROG: "Mister.....?"

ME: "That's right 'Rog. I want to donate my very life essence, all that I am, to help 'Defenders of Wildlife' protect the animals I love. Roger. I've realized it's the only way I could ever accept death. I want to go out believing that I had accomplished something good, made my mark, you know, left something behind for those that come after."

ROG: "I'm not sure I'm following you. Who am I speaking to please?"

ME: "Call me 'Captain America.' 'Cap’ for short.”

ROG: "Look, really, I've got some things to do. I think Brandon might be able to assist you more efficiently after all..."

ME: "Okay Roger. I'll lay my cards on the table, right here and right now. Have a little fun in life. Indulge yourself.  I’ll make it succinct. Just hear me out."

ROG: "Oh well. Go ahead I guess. I'll just be straightening some files on my desk..."

"ME: "Roger, I’m getting older ever day. I have two daughters, but I'm not tied down. Let's just say I'm in a position where I have a little time on my hands. I'm only good for a couple of hours a day, but in the right position, I can do more in that two hours than most people get done in a week.

"I know people. I know how the government works. And, I've always been a student of human nature. I know the only thing that will make people do the RIGHT thing when push comes to shove over the decimation of a species for commercial profit, or what can keep human beings from screwing around with endangered species, or actually making things like hunting wolves from a helicopter with large caliber semi-automatic rifles become a faded memory."

ROG: "Ah, I see.  You've obviously discovered something that us poor old dedicated activists haven't been able to figure out for over a hundred years, beginning with John Muir and Teddy Roosevelt. Thrill me."

ME: "Ah! I knew I'd reach the 'inner Roger' sooner or later! The only thing that motivates people who do things like that to do the right thing, is worrying."

ROG: "I'm sure they worry about a variety of things on any given day Mr. America."

ME: "Nice one. ‘Mr. America.’ Love it!

"Sure Roger. They do. Businessmen worry about a lot of things.  But not about having their heads explode all over their customized Mercedes-Benz because a .308 round with a semi-jacketed hollow-point just went through it.”

ROG: "What the...?"

ME: "You're going to need some time to think about this, I know, but hear me out. For now, just chalk it up under ‘Weird Things I Heard on The Phone While Fighting to Save Animals.’

"These people have made it an acceptable way of doing business to remove any concern over anything green other than money. They could care less if they have to club every baby seal on the planet to death with a 2 x 4, if it will give them an additional 3% gross profit for the year.

"You know as well as I do, that the laws that are on the books are just words on paper if they’re not enforced. Between payoffs, the ability to buy and pay for the candidate of your choice now, and the Sith-like good ‘ol boy networks and contacts they have, a phone call is usually all it takes to ‘fix’ a problem, as long as it doesn’t blow up in the Gulf, on National TV.

"If it does, they just throw up their arms, do a PR campaign, and in less than a year, no one even remembers it happened, except for a bunch of people that they write off as “kooks” in the press, all while not missing a single yacht race.

“They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes, but they have one common denominator: greed.

“They’re killing animals, breaking federal laws, and getting paid to do so. Even if you had a bunch of eager beavers working on cases, and more eager beavers in the Justice Department that would actually file a case against the people who do whatever they want, without regard to indigenous species of animals, you’d soon face a cold, cruel reality. I’ll bet you’re actually quite familiar with it.

“The people targeted with legal action simply launch a squadron of sociopathic attorneys, and keep delaying any legal action for years. The case keeps getting passed down, from desk to desk, as the team that brought the lawsuit for the government in the first place experiences attrition, and fragments, as the agents and prosecutors retire, die, or leave government service for private practice. The case is passed down from one Justice Department employee to another, to another, to another...

“And that’s about the time the Attorney Squadron finally stops filing motions to continue. Am I doing well so far Roger?”

ROG: “…I’m not sure I should even be talking to you.”

ME: “You don't need to talk.  All you need to do is listen.

“So, by the time the case comes to court, it’s years later.  No one on the team prosecuting the case for the government even knows the people who originally filed it.  Witness contact information is missing, or they’ve moved, without forwarding addresses.  Local law enforcement agencies in the area of the offense only have some sketchy notes about the incident, because they turned everything over to Department of Justice Agent Jiminez (who now works for Blackwater), and, ‘Sheriff John, well he was the one that knew the most about it, but he’s retired now, and he lives on a ranch somewhere in Montana.’

“It was really over before it ever began. By lunch time, some bastard sitting at a solid teak desk in a high-rise office gets a text on his iPhone, accesses a data base, and marks an encrypted file ‘CLOSED.’ Then it’s off to the club for lunch.

“The accountants write-off the legal fees as a cost of doing business, and suddenly, it’s a tax deduction for the company. I don’t know about you Roger, but I’ve had enough. If we’re really going to defend wildlife, somebody’s got to figure out a way to fight against these people and WIN.

“Obviously, using the ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington’ approach doesn’t really work, does it Roger?”

ROG: (SILENCE)

ME: “Well…I’m the ‘somebody’ who figured out THE ONLY way anything will ever change.  I’m not saying my life is worthless, but I’m definitely expendable. I’ve had a lot of fun for many years, a lot of laughs, but one thing I haven’t done, is something that will truly leave a mark.  Something positive, that can benefit all of mankind, and save a couple of animals along the way.

“My needs are simple. I need a two bedroom cabin somewhere, to use as a safe house. I’ll need fast internet access, food, and someone who can get me where I need to go. Land vehicle, chopper, private plane, whatever.

“I’ll need some pretty specialized equipment. When I take these people out, I want to make sure it’s just them. Singularity is the key here. Collaterals ruin all that, and everything gets confused. It’s all about the fear a single man will feel, that lonely singular fear, when he decides to give the go-ahead to a project he knows will cause the wanton and unnecessary slaughter of protected wildlife. 

The singular fear that because of his actions, he is taking the chance (he’ll never know when), that his life may come to a sudden, violent, and most likely messy, end. You know Roger, kind of like the animals?

“In 20 minutes you’re going to receive a package by bicycle delivery. It’s a track phone. Inside, there will be the number of another track phone. Call it. It’ll be me. I’ll set up a meeting, and let you check out anything you want about who or what I am, so you’ll know I’m not a weirdo, a cop, or even an extremist. I’m a realist Roger, just someone who’s gotten tired of watching animals dying for greed. Real tired. And real available.”

ROG: “I’m sorry Mr. Whoever-You-Are, but the phone seems to be breaking up. You said 20 minutes?”

ME: “Talk to you soon ‘Rog. I would suggest not being on ‘Defenders of Wildlife’ property when you make the call. Oh, and just smash the phone, and put the pieces in a public trash can when you’re done. We’ll be using a lot of track phones.”

ROG: “What’s that? Sorry, can’t hear you!”

ME: “Roger, I believe you’ve got it.  It's time to really start making a difference.”

CLICK!