The UNDERWATER DEMOLITION TEAM (UDT) MANUAL

The UNDERWATER DEMOLITION TEAM (UDT)

Manual for Membership and Daily Operations

This Manual shall serve as a guide for mandatory daily operations for all members of UDT-21.  Godspeed and Good Hunting.

When You First Go Online

First and foremost when you first go online, check in on alliance chat.  See what’s going on.  If you don’t have time to fight, you might have time to help.  Help can be providing resources to other members, troops, whatever is needed. 

See what’s going on in the world.  Announce your arrival on the server.  Let us know you’re there.  If you’ve been attacked, stay calm.  Give information slowly and accurately.  Who, What, When, How Much, What Alliance, etc.  Once we get the information and figure out what we’re going to do, they’ll be plenty of time for berating your attacker, complaining about your new shoes, the price of bonds in China, etc.  Be calm, cool, and exacting in your information relay.

A report should go something like:  “Hey.  Just got hit by “ILIVINMOMSBASEMNT” from cords 123 456, ISA, plunder, I’m scouting now.”  That says it all in one statement, no further questions needed as to the who, what, why, etc.  One statement and no further traffic needed.  Remember, we’re professionals, so let’s act the part.  Plus, I like to keep alliance chat open so I can ramble on about things that don’t make sense and go on and on, so please keep “HELP!” reports clear, with no need for further questions.  One sentence (maybe two), and everyone is good.

Checking in when you’re online is a mandatory requirement for all UDT-21 members.

Succinct reports of “uh-oh’s” lets every one know what is going on, and doesn’t tie up alliance chat if we’re either rocking on something, or planning on rocking your assailant.  We don’t like people rocking our members, and we revel in making them rue the day they picked this game to play.

If we’ve got questions, we’ll ask, don’t worry!  Bashful we’re not.

Relaying Coordinates

Anytime you need to give out YOUR coordinates, do so ONLY by private message through alliance chat, or send an e-mail to that member.  Simply click on the name of the person you want to talk to in alliance chat, and you’ll see a window pop up with “private” as one of the choices.  Click on that to select “Private.” 

You will then see that person’s handle on the bar that usually says “Alliance.”  When you chat it will be violet-colored, and only to that one person.  Pretty quick and dirty.  Easy too.

Exchange YOUR coordinates with other members by private message and e-mail ONLY please.  Feel free to type enemy cords freely; we just worry about your safety with yours.

When Communicating, Make Sure You Are on the Correct Channel

No one is perfect.  That doesn’t mean it’s crazy not to try.  This is rather self-explanatory.  No one wants to see you on the Main Channel, or “World Chat,” talking about how this guy or that guy is a ducking fumbass.  This not only gives away our plans, it looks about as unprofessional as you can get.  We’ll leave that to the abundant amount of unprofessionals out there already fighting over World Chat time.  UDT members shall act in a professional manner at all times.  We’re here to not only kill, but take the fighting will out of the enemy.

Stay aware of what channel you’re on.  Happens to the best of us, let’s work towards it never happening at all.  Just keep your head in the game.

Handling Resources – The UDT Way

This is as important as anything you need to know.  Managing your resources to keep them out of enemy hands means you’re keeping them from being used to kill your fellow UDT comrades-in-arms.

The Oil, Steel, Rare Metal, Gold, and Food that gets seized from you get used by our enemies to grow stronger.  When you do not manage your resources carefully, and allow them to fall into enemy hands, you’re aiding and abetting the enemy.  You might as well find a way to simply start attacking UDT cities.

The seriousness of this cannot be stressed enough. 

Here’s a great way to handle it, based on having a little time to do maintenance, without a war occurring at the time. 

Follow these simple mandatory steps when you get online, and life will be a lot of fun for you. 

1.  First, make sure you include 2, if not 3 warehouses in each city.  Just a darned good practice.

2.  While you play, you should be constantly pumping out resources from your fields.  With these resources, you need to balance troop construction, building construction, increasing research techniques, and real, real importantly, building wall fortifications.  (Wall-mounted artillery.)

3.  In the occasions when you are getting ready to sign off, simply do the following:

a.  Check and see if you can build up a research technique.

b.  Build up wall fortifications (big guns) as much as possible.

c.  Build as many troops as you can with what you’ve got. 

d.  PUT THE REST IN “ALLIANCE TRADE” IN THE TRADE CENTER!

DO NOT sell on the open market!  Let those enemies get their own!  HAH!

Make sure you check “Alliance only” when you “sell” them (you’re really storing’em) on the alliance market, and MAKE SURE you physically make the last digit a “9” if you want them “held” without anyone touching them in the alliance marketplace.  This is how you “store’ resources.  This is pretty standard in all alliances.

If you don’t mind if someone buys it, make sure and offer it at the lowest possible price, and make sure the last digit of the amount sold is a “O.”

Here’s the last step:

e.  Get all of your Gold gathered up together, load it in some trucks, and dispatch it to a resource field to hide it.  DO NOT leave it in your city.  If you’re plundered, it’s not only gone for sure, it’s what kids?  USED TO KILL YOUR BROTHERS!  Hide that Gold.

After this is done, your amount on hand should be in the 10’s, 100’s, or 1000’s, not hundreds of thousands of units, and certainly not millions, or “mikes” as we call them.  They cannot be touched by icky enemy hands, and they are there for you the next time you sign on.

If you have more, or if someone asks for something, please ship it to them via truck by coordinates you got discreetly by private message, right away.

In THIS alliance, we take care of our own.  When you need something, we’re there.  We do not leave members hanging.  We are a team, and only as good as our weakest link.  I can tell you from experience; this is the best alliance I have ever been in.  People are always sharing things, and helping each other grow.  It’s just the way it is.  We work as one.

World Chat:  Threat, or Menace?

When you are on alliance chat in green type, you’ll see the world chat also, in orangish-brown, whatever it is.  An idea?  PAY ATTENTION!

Many times players have a hard time controlling their emotions, and you’ll get a lot of really good info on the people who are trying to kill us.  It’s a great source of information.  Use it!

Stay away from those you don’t know yet.  When dealing with other players on World Chat, remember that no matter what is said, nothing is keeping them from destroying you, OR your brothers at a later date.  For some it’s just business, for others, it makes them feel like they are someone (in their mother’s basement as she shouts down to switch the load from the washer to the dryer.)

We’re not saying to be afraid to get on World Chat.  What we’re saying is that there’s a lot of really good players who will lie, cheat, steal, and do anything they can to skin you and your brothers alive.  Hey, this ain’t Farmville.  That’s what they SHOULD be doing.

If you’ve ever played poker, they will definitely try and get you on “tilt” so you say something you shouldn’t have, make a wild accusation, whatever, which doesn’t just get your ass kicked by them, it degrades everyone who works hard in this alliance to maintain a professional presence on the server.

You are not simply you on World Chat, you’re all of us.  At that moment in time, everything we’re about is represented by you, what you say, and your actions.

If things are getting weird, or you’re not sure what to do or how to answer someone, get off immediately.  “Dog barking in backyard” works real well for fast exits.  Don’t do or say things that make your brothers-in-arms look bad, m’kay? 


Also if you want to know about someone, just ask on alliance.  There’s a really good chance we can tell you more about them than they’d ever dream we knew. 

Our main raison d’etre (reason for being) is to work as a group with mature alliance members who are fun to be around, enjoyable to talk to, and as deadly as they come.  By following these simple guidelines until the moves and procedures become second nature, you’ll be able to not only have fun, but do it “right.”  You’ll enjoy the game more I can personally guarantee – these guys are good.  We keep our “under duress” communications direct, accurate, and to the point.

SUMMARY:

1.  When you get online, give a shout on Alliance Chat.  Let us know you’re here.

2.  If you’re under attack, relax and pretend you’re ordering a pizza.  Breathe deeply, and let us know in one sentence.  Again, as in:  “Crap.  Whattagoosiam from CIA plundered me from cord 123 456 about 30 minutes ago.  Scouting him now.” 

See?  We’re not that strict!  That was TWO sentences!  Three even!  But the main thing, more than anything, is to be succinct because other people might be trying to get a seize or plunder together, or are being plundered or seized right then too.  Try and give a succinct report that leaves no further questions to be asked other than, “How ya doin’?”  Questions that should have already been answered take time, and time is a precious commodity.

3.  If you need something, give YOUR cords to a fellow alliance member by private message or e-mail.  DO NOT just type your cords in, even in alliance chat.  Hit the private button, and make them light purplish pink when you talk to them.

4.  Pay attention to what channel you’re on.

5.  Follow the “UDT Way” of handling resources.  Build, Construct, Make wall guns, Resarch with it, etc.  Any extra, “sell” in Alliance Trade and make sure last digit of amount is a “9.”  If there’s anything left, give a shout on alliance chat, and see if someone needs it.  They probably do.

6.  Give fellow alliance memebers just about anything if they ask you for it.  YOU WILL get it back when you need it.  We’ve got each other’s backs here, and that’s not just idle sound-good chit-chat.  It’s the way it is.

7.  Git yer Gold all together, load it on trucks, and dispatch it to a resource field. 

8.  Be professional on World Chat.  Your mouth represents ALL of us. 

And, The Closer

Sure, these are mandatory.  But more than anything really, they’re simply just using common sense and the rules of the game to operative effectively, swiftly, and with deadly consequences.  We ask nothing from anyone we don’t do ourselves.

Simply learn these procedures so they become second nature.  Again, while requirements, they are nothing more than the culmination of our combined experiences and knowledge of the game, with the overall creed we live by, which is that we are a TEAM.  We care about every member, and every member is the most important member of UDT-21.

If you don’t feel this way, it’s probably best to let us know now, and save us both the time and trouble of playing with folks we don’t want on our team.  We don’t want people who don’t want us, etc.  It beats getting everyone all upset, being kicked out, and then swarmed by angry UDT members who appreciate honestly upfront instead of later, who are very efficient in eviscerating those who have taken our good will for granted.

Please feel free to ask me any questions, share ideas with, or explain anything you don’t understand.


Write me in game e-mail, and also please feel free to use my personal, private e-mail address of mk10raven@gmail.com. 

Welcome aboard gentlemen.  Welcome to an alliance that thrives on camaraderie, teamwork, friendship, and kicking ass.  Let’s get to it.

Mk10Raven
Ensign – Communications
UDT-21

"WHEN I AM GONE MY BLOOD WILL RUN FREE"*

I have thought seriously over the last week, about getting an American flag tattooed on my left arm. Actually, I first thought of this as I watched George W. Bush get sworn in as President of The United States. The SECOND time. I started to realize that there was something going on in this country that I had never seen before. I’ve seen some pretty bizarre things go on in this country during my life as an American, but this was different.

I grew up with people like Dick Nixon, Lester Maddox, George Wallace, and a lot of really crafty, crusty, right-wing politicians everywhere. But this was different. This was…weird.

I've loved this country for 51 years, and I'm getting a little sick and tired of these people that must have crawled out of smoking brimstone pits in the earth, that are trying to pass themselves off as "Americans."

I'm not sure why they're here, or what they think they're trying to do. I mean, I know what they’re trying to do, but I don’t know why. Are they part of some large, subversive group that wants to take over the United States?

What they’re saying makes absolutely no sense, and won’t even benefit “Big Business” if there’s no one to work in factories for 8 bucks an hour because they’re too sick, don’t have money for the bus fare after paying for one medication, and spend most of their time trying to find places to live before they get kicked out again for not paying the rent...because they can’t.

I think the reason a lot of people haven't gone nuts before now in opposition to them, is that we're in a kind of shock that didn’t exist before…oh…2000 or so.

I went to grade school in the 60's and early 70's. Even back then, with Richard Nixon as president (who hated everybody except Elvis), no one, and I mean NO ONE would do the kind of shit that is being done on a regular basis by the New Psychotic Republicans. (“NPR’s.” Nice, huh?)

Persecuting a war as Commander-in-Chief without any regard for the armed forces you send into battle? Being more upset about how the press will look at the “Americans killed,” and “Americans wounded” numbers than the fact that those numbers are people? Seen it. Taped it. Watched it twice. It’s been done. Nixon’s the one!

And sure, we had racism, beatings, riots over Civil Rights, long haired folks being jumped by rednecks and having their hair cut off, all kinds of wild stuff going on. I’ve got to say, watching “Richard the 1st” Daley send in wave after wave of police with batons as an 8 year-old on a black & white TV, to beat the living shit out of anything that moved in Chicago during the 1968 Democratic National Convention, was quite disturbing.

I remember we were in a motel, on a family vacation. I was horrified, and I was more horrified when I looked at the expression on my father’s face as he stared at the screen.

I also watched the breaking news on the assassinations of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King.

And believe me, Kent State wasn’t a cake walk. Even as a child, I could almost see it in my mind. Students acting all kinds of 1960’s pissed-off, nervous,, angry cops, and “regular guys” in the National Guard scared, sweating, not really knowing what to do. Someone yells, a shot is fired somehow, and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. It was a tragedy for everyone involved, and the country itself. “How did that happen HERE?,” we all asked ourselves.

But our teachers, administrators, civic leaders, elected political officials, you name it, while they may have said horrible things over some bourbon on the rocks with their friends after work, they still grudgingly accepted the very core principals that make America different from other countries.

There were no arguments about whether or not the Constitution of the United States guaranteed religious freedom, or was rather a document printed on Sacred Christian parchment, with the Lord as the ultimate authority over the governing of the American People.  No one would have listened to crap like that.

I watched protests that rather strongly implied that Richard Nixon should be impeached, but I never heard anyone accuse him of being part of a secret Muslim plot to take over the country, that he was really a Nazi in disguise (unless they were joking among themselves), or accused him of paving the way for a communist takeover of the United States because he opened up diplomatic relations with China.

Whites and blacks would tussle at school, but once it was over, it was over, and there weren't any weapons. Somebody would get jumped, then they'd get jumped, and then that was that. We’d all go back to worrying about increasing our G.I. Joe collections (12” Joes, mind you), how icky girls were, and watching our favorite shows like “Rat Patrol,” “The Green Hornet,” and “Fireball XL-5.”

Kids from the Middle East, Asia, India, Europe, and yes, even Kansas, were welcomed in our schools, and probably got tired of us all asking them question after stupid question about camels, Panda Bears, blue people with 12 arms, Kings and Queens, or what it was like to grow up without running water and toilets. In Kansas.

But now, seemingly out of nowhere, come these insane robots, the likes of which we’ve never seen, channeling one of the founders of the John Birch Society, Fred Koch, father of those wild 'n crazy Koch brothers, Chuck and Davey.

They are led by a weeping, pathetic looking potato-boy pushing the ideology of W. Cleon Skousen. Check that boy Skousen out. He’s a hoot. He wrote a book called, “The 5,000 Year Leap,” that Glenn uses to mine material for his $32 million dollar-a-year rants.

I got this from Salon on Skousen, but if you want to refute the source, just read the book:

“…Skousen was too extreme even for the conservative activists of the Goldwater era, but Glenn Beck has now rescued him from the remainder pile of history, and introduced him to a receptive new audience”

The “conservative activists of the Goldwater era” they’re talking about happens to be…you guessed it! The John Birch Society. His mentor, hero, and source of his income was TOO RADICAL for the John Birch Society.

Skousen had thankfully been buried and his ideas laid to rest with him, until Beck dug up his rotting corpse in a fit of newly minted Mormon righteousness. (Skousen was a Latter Day Saint, and Beck became intrigued with him. I’m not blaming Mormons here. They had even buried him too.)

But, back to ‘ol Freddie Koch, Chuck ‘n Davy’s Dad. Do some research on old king Frederick. It's either amazing or extremely frightening, or both. Thanks for turning Russia into a giant oil-producing machine that would continue to roll like an unstoppable leviathan over millions of Russians during Stalin's "cleansing," and then envelope the world with Communism after WWII! ‘Atta boy Freddie!

No wonder he hated communism so much. He probably unconsciously hated himself for being so weak-willed and greedy that he fed his coffers with money dripping in blood and body parts in return for getting'em all set-up there in Ruskieville so pretty-like in the first place. That was the seed money (apparently quite a few seeds were involved) that gave birth to Koch Industries. I’d love to hear a sound-bite from that son of a bitch, sent straight from Hell.

“Here ya go boys. Here’s an empire I built with blood-soaked money from a tyrant. I got paid by Joseph Stalin to help him become one of the most powerful men on earth by harnessing the vast oil resources of Russia, and introducing him to cutting-edge refining techniques, allowing him to wield incredible power, and kill millions of men, women, and children! Enjoy!”

And they did.

I always tell my children to make money any way they can, and then cloud what they do by using hate and fear to cover their tracks. We’ll see if they can become billionaire manipulators of world politics like Dave and Chuck.

Hell, I was an American before most of these New Psychotic Republicans were. Well, Mitch McConnell doesn’t count, because he’s really a turtle, and turtles live much, much longer than most humans do.

Somehow these aliens from the planet Xenophobe have adapted to breathing the earth’s atmosphere, and are able to take human form. It doesn’t always work quite right though, hence John Boehner’s sickly orange skin, and McConnell’s reptilian turtle-chin and neck.

So, I’ve been thinking about this since 2004, and now, fueled by the attempted coup in Wisconsin in plain sight of the American People, and the realization that this is unlike any political struggle I have ever seen in this country since my birth in 1960, I can’t think of a better time to get an American flag tattoo.

Let’s stop kidding ourselves. While our attention is diverted by terrorism, the economy, the fear of getting sick, overpopulation, and whatever else gives you the willies at night, these people are trying to take over our country. Plain and simple.

They’ve already got the Supreme Court. For those of you who don’t know, the Supreme Court USED to be a place where great legal minds (all of them American, no aliens from Xenophobe were allowed) heard very important cases, and interpreted how the Constitution of the United States would apply in that particular case.

This used to involve discussion, active participation, writing and filing dissenting opinions, even when your vote was not on the winning side, just so history would have your opinion chronicled when that case was studied later by law students, active attorneys, or anybody that wanted to, just because they could, being American ‘an all.

Now the Gang of Five rules as One, and they’re not what you’d call a real talkative, thoughtful bunch. As Chief Justice Roberts has stated on numerous occasions, and I quote, “We just call balls and strikes based on direct interpretation of the Constitution.”

Too bad the Founding Fathers made the greatest founding document of a country so far in the history of the world, with mechanisms in place that specifically addressed the fact that they knew the times “would be ‘a-changin,’” and to look upon the document in the future as a living, breathing document, a foundation for further development as we change with time, only to have five sociopathic neanderthals I wouldn’t want to have mow my lawn, much less interpret the law, piss all over it.

If they had known THAT would have happened, there’d probably be a part in it that stated, “And, if so ever one who judges the laws of the land regards his office as one who would officiate a game of tennis or other sporting ventures, that individual shall be transferred from his legal position to the more appropriate office of athletic official.”

Now the NPR’s have taken the House of Representatives, after stalling anything the President has tried to accomplish since taking office in the Senate. When I say “anything,” I mean “anything.” Take a look at everything the NPR’s placed “holds” on that were a product of attempted Democratic legislation since Obama’s inauguration. Anything.

Now, on top of everything else that’s been troubling me since “W II - Return of The Sith Lords,” we now have the attempted coup of a state's government by a power-hungry NPR who sees his state's constitution as something he can change with the swipe of a pen, all while acting completely calm about it.

He sounded real calm the other day in the 10-minute phone call he took from someone he thought was David Koch.  Yes, it's on youtube.  Yes, it's real.  Yes, it's just as priceless as old Nixon tapes where he blathers on an on about negroes, kikes, hippies, and John Lennon.  Priceless.

When the local police and the Dane County Sheriff’s Department refused to play bully for Walker anymore, he called in the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol. I haven’t been able to hear anything further since 2230 hours day before yesterday about it, because I was sick, and then the entire Pacific Ocean turned into a maelstrom of death. After I finish this, I’ll search the web to see how the troopers liked being used as bad guys, and how much further this farce has gone.

UPDATE: My father just told me that Walker “signed into law” the bill stripping state employees of any ability to negotiate on their behalf now, and forever. I’m not too worried though. Anyone can sign any piece of paper they want, that says whatever they want it to. It doesn’t mean that it’s legally binding though, even if it’s signed by the Governor of Wisconsin, The King of Siam, or Santa Claus. This isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of HIS end. He’s done more for the Democratic Party than they could have accomplished with millions from drug companies, insurance companies, oil companies, and personal checks from the Koch ‘bros. ‘Atta boy Scottie!

UPDATED UPDATE: Yeah…just saw some stuff on the news about the “process” and how the “votes” were counted to “pass” the bill. Oh…this is going to be a LOT of fun to watch…

So, now more than ever, I’ve been thinking about that tattoo. I have a friend that’s an amazing tattoo artist. I’m not really a “tattoo” kinda guy, but he could do a really nice, bold, beautiful tattoo of the American flag on my left arm in a couple of hours.

That way when somebody calls me a socialist, a terrorist, a Nazi, a communist, a traitor to the flag for supporting religious freedom, or any of the other popular terms used by New Psychotic Republicans from the planet Xenophobe to describe anyone that doesn't think exactly like John Boehner, I can pull up the sleeve of my T-shirt, make a fist, look them straight in the eye, and say something really bright and witty that they'll understand...like,

"Oh yeah? Communist? Well FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!"

Okay, okay...that's silly. I’d never REALLY do something like that. Not when I can have it tattooed on my ass, pull down my pants, and tell them to kiss the flag...





* Song title used by permission from "Call Me Lightning," from their album of the same name, "When I Am Gone My Blood Will Be Free."  Rock and roll is not dead.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpEP1bJ5d6E&feature=related

I AM...THE DEFENDER OF WILDLIFE...

I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick and tired of all these whining people trying to get money from me to protect this bear, or that owl, or the oil-covered pelican flopping in its final death throes at my feet. C'mon, people! Give me a break already!

Enough with this fair-market-coffee fueled assault. If I see one more picture of a dead wolf, a baby polar bear looking for its mother, or a film clip of a helicopter chasing a pack of wolves with muzzle flashes coming out the sides, I’m going to puke.

I'm getting so tired of getting these damn e-mails and things, that today I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to call "Defenders of Wildlife," and give them a piece of my mind!

DOW: "Hello, Defenders of Wildlife. How can I help you save our wildlife today?"

ME: "I want to speak to the Roger guy who's the president of "Defenders of Wildlife."

DOW: "I'm sure I can help you with any questions you might have sir!  And if for some reason I can't, we'll do everything we can to help you save our wildlife!"

ME: (Thinks fast) "Let's just put it this way son. I represent a very, VERY large donation to help "our wildlife," and if you don't put me through to your boss, like, now, I'm going to become bored of playing this game of trying to give you a very, VERY large donation, and go buy a completely restored 1928-J-fucking-Duesenberg from Barrett-Jackson that I've had my eye on!  (Pinches skin between thumb and forefinger until it hurts to keep from laughing. More fast thinking.)

"Wait...wait...no I'm not. First, I'm going to send a letter to Mr. Schlickeisen, by must-show-ID certified mail, telling him why I'm driving around in a pile of money that COULD have gone to "Defenders of Wildlife," if it weren't for the twerp that answered the phone who didn't know how to think on his feet, and just transfer the BIG money directly to his phone, instead of PISSING IT OFF!

"Sonny, are you so naive that you can't understand that some people who believe in your cause CAN'T OPENLY SUPPORT IT because it would RUIN THEM financially? Let me guess...Art degree?"

DOW: "I'm sorry sir. I’m just doing what I am told to do. I understand the special nature of your request quite thoroughly now. Mr. Schlickeisen, who quite honestly is usually NOT in his office, had a board meeting this morning, and is in his office at this time. I will put you through immediately. And to answer your question: Humanities. So no, I'm not that naive, nor am I unable to grasp the concept of quiet support without rippling the pond’s surface. One moment please."

ME: "Good one kid. I think you'll be just fine after all."

RING!  Instant hold, with music. Great. "At The Copa," by Manilow. How can I pull this off with THAT crap in my head? Think of Lemmy, think of Lemmy, think of Lemmy...

"Hello, Roger Schlickeisen. How may I help you?"

ME: "Good afternoon Roger. I wanted to speak with you person-to-person, to tell you how much I've enjoyed all your e-mails, text messages, and top-shelf web work, soliciting donations. I think I can help."

ROG: "Here at 'Defenders of Wildlife,' we do everything we can to help animals that can't help themselves!"

ME: "Well sir, that's exactly why I'm calling. I'm the 'everything' that you haven't tried yet, and I'm speaking to you in confidence, as someone who has the same passion for 'defending' our wildlife that you do. I also know you're an intelligent man; intelligent enough to listen to what it is I've got to say."

ROG: "I'm not quite sure I understand."

ME: "Well, you and I want to defend wildlife, right?"

ROG: "...Well...yes..."

ME: "And I'm not sure about you, but I'm getting a little sick and tired of people wiping out animal populations to make more money, and nothing concrete being done to halt them in their tracks. Slaughtering bears for their genitals, and selling them to Asians. Tigers as well. Hunting wolves…from helicopters. African elephant populations in established preserves, mowed down for two pieces of ivory, their rotting carcasses left in the sun as their calves wail and lay next to them, with the elders of the herd standing a lonely vigil by the corpse, sometimes for days.

“Anytime honest park rangers try and stop it, agents working for the men who profit from these activities are magically provided with movement data, radio frequencies, and anything they need to keep one step ahead of the over-taxed local law enforcement. Sometimes the honest park rangers pay with their lives.

“I've seen law after protective law passed that is either ignored, abused, has the teeth taken out of it, or is repealed when politicians who are paid off by the people who profit from these actions get into office."

ROG: "...Well...yes...I have seen some situations like that, and it can be an irritation of sorts..."

ME: "Well Roger, the time has come. I'm the answer to all your problems. I can defend our wildlife, keep people from ignoring or attempting to repeal those laws, and start doing something that will have an immediate, positive result for our friends in the wild."

ROG: "Yes! Brandon up front told me you had a rather serious donation for us. I just want to let you know that I've made it my life-long duty to keep fighting for wildlife, and stopping the unnecessary slaughter of..."

ME: "Exactly. That's why were having this conversation Roger. You see, I have a donation to make that’s more valuable than any donation you've ever had.  Right now.  Here. Today."

ROG: "Wonderful! We've been the benefactors of some very sizeable donations before, and we know how to accept them "quietly" from those who find themselves in delicate poitions..."

ME: "Ever had anyone donate their life?"

ROG: "Why, yes! Many people choose 'Defenders of Wildlife' as a beneficiary of their will. It always stirs the emotions to think that someone cares so much, that they would give, even in death. Is that why you’re calling Mister...ah...I don't believe I have your name?"

ME: "No Roger. Not a will. I said, 'Donate their life.' As in, the very essence of the life force that flows through their body; their soul, their limbs, the whole shooting match."

ROG: "Mister.....?"

ME: "That's right 'Rog. I want to donate my very life essence, all that I am, to help 'Defenders of Wildlife' protect the animals I love. Roger. I've realized it's the only way I could ever accept death. I want to go out believing that I had accomplished something good, made my mark, you know, left something behind for those that come after."

ROG: "I'm not sure I'm following you. Who am I speaking to please?"

ME: "Call me 'Captain America.' 'Cap’ for short.”

ROG: "Look, really, I've got some things to do. I think Brandon might be able to assist you more efficiently after all..."

ME: "Okay Roger. I'll lay my cards on the table, right here and right now. Have a little fun in life. Indulge yourself.  I’ll make it succinct. Just hear me out."

ROG: "Oh well. Go ahead I guess. I'll just be straightening some files on my desk..."

"ME: "Roger, I’m getting older ever day. I have two daughters, but I'm not tied down. Let's just say I'm in a position where I have a little time on my hands. I'm only good for a couple of hours a day, but in the right position, I can do more in that two hours than most people get done in a week.

"I know people. I know how the government works. And, I've always been a student of human nature. I know the only thing that will make people do the RIGHT thing when push comes to shove over the decimation of a species for commercial profit, or what can keep human beings from screwing around with endangered species, or actually making things like hunting wolves from a helicopter with large caliber semi-automatic rifles become a faded memory."

ROG: "Ah, I see.  You've obviously discovered something that us poor old dedicated activists haven't been able to figure out for over a hundred years, beginning with John Muir and Teddy Roosevelt. Thrill me."

ME: "Ah! I knew I'd reach the 'inner Roger' sooner or later! The only thing that motivates people who do things like that to do the right thing, is worrying."

ROG: "I'm sure they worry about a variety of things on any given day Mr. America."

ME: "Nice one. ‘Mr. America.’ Love it!

"Sure Roger. They do. Businessmen worry about a lot of things.  But not about having their heads explode all over their customized Mercedes-Benz because a .308 round with a semi-jacketed hollow-point just went through it.”

ROG: "What the...?"

ME: "You're going to need some time to think about this, I know, but hear me out. For now, just chalk it up under ‘Weird Things I Heard on The Phone While Fighting to Save Animals.’

"These people have made it an acceptable way of doing business to remove any concern over anything green other than money. They could care less if they have to club every baby seal on the planet to death with a 2 x 4, if it will give them an additional 3% gross profit for the year.

"You know as well as I do, that the laws that are on the books are just words on paper if they’re not enforced. Between payoffs, the ability to buy and pay for the candidate of your choice now, and the Sith-like good ‘ol boy networks and contacts they have, a phone call is usually all it takes to ‘fix’ a problem, as long as it doesn’t blow up in the Gulf, on National TV.

"If it does, they just throw up their arms, do a PR campaign, and in less than a year, no one even remembers it happened, except for a bunch of people that they write off as “kooks” in the press, all while not missing a single yacht race.

“They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes, but they have one common denominator: greed.

“They’re killing animals, breaking federal laws, and getting paid to do so. Even if you had a bunch of eager beavers working on cases, and more eager beavers in the Justice Department that would actually file a case against the people who do whatever they want, without regard to indigenous species of animals, you’d soon face a cold, cruel reality. I’ll bet you’re actually quite familiar with it.

“The people targeted with legal action simply launch a squadron of sociopathic attorneys, and keep delaying any legal action for years. The case keeps getting passed down, from desk to desk, as the team that brought the lawsuit for the government in the first place experiences attrition, and fragments, as the agents and prosecutors retire, die, or leave government service for private practice. The case is passed down from one Justice Department employee to another, to another, to another...

“And that’s about the time the Attorney Squadron finally stops filing motions to continue. Am I doing well so far Roger?”

ROG: “…I’m not sure I should even be talking to you.”

ME: “You don't need to talk.  All you need to do is listen.

“So, by the time the case comes to court, it’s years later.  No one on the team prosecuting the case for the government even knows the people who originally filed it.  Witness contact information is missing, or they’ve moved, without forwarding addresses.  Local law enforcement agencies in the area of the offense only have some sketchy notes about the incident, because they turned everything over to Department of Justice Agent Jiminez (who now works for Blackwater), and, ‘Sheriff John, well he was the one that knew the most about it, but he’s retired now, and he lives on a ranch somewhere in Montana.’

“It was really over before it ever began. By lunch time, some bastard sitting at a solid teak desk in a high-rise office gets a text on his iPhone, accesses a data base, and marks an encrypted file ‘CLOSED.’ Then it’s off to the club for lunch.

“The accountants write-off the legal fees as a cost of doing business, and suddenly, it’s a tax deduction for the company. I don’t know about you Roger, but I’ve had enough. If we’re really going to defend wildlife, somebody’s got to figure out a way to fight against these people and WIN.

“Obviously, using the ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington’ approach doesn’t really work, does it Roger?”

ROG: (SILENCE)

ME: “Well…I’m the ‘somebody’ who figured out THE ONLY way anything will ever change.  I’m not saying my life is worthless, but I’m definitely expendable. I’ve had a lot of fun for many years, a lot of laughs, but one thing I haven’t done, is something that will truly leave a mark.  Something positive, that can benefit all of mankind, and save a couple of animals along the way.

“My needs are simple. I need a two bedroom cabin somewhere, to use as a safe house. I’ll need fast internet access, food, and someone who can get me where I need to go. Land vehicle, chopper, private plane, whatever.

“I’ll need some pretty specialized equipment. When I take these people out, I want to make sure it’s just them. Singularity is the key here. Collaterals ruin all that, and everything gets confused. It’s all about the fear a single man will feel, that lonely singular fear, when he decides to give the go-ahead to a project he knows will cause the wanton and unnecessary slaughter of protected wildlife. 

The singular fear that because of his actions, he is taking the chance (he’ll never know when), that his life may come to a sudden, violent, and most likely messy, end. You know Roger, kind of like the animals?

“In 20 minutes you’re going to receive a package by bicycle delivery. It’s a track phone. Inside, there will be the number of another track phone. Call it. It’ll be me. I’ll set up a meeting, and let you check out anything you want about who or what I am, so you’ll know I’m not a weirdo, a cop, or even an extremist. I’m a realist Roger, just someone who’s gotten tired of watching animals dying for greed. Real tired. And real available.”

ROG: “I’m sorry Mr. Whoever-You-Are, but the phone seems to be breaking up. You said 20 minutes?”

ME: “Talk to you soon ‘Rog. I would suggest not being on ‘Defenders of Wildlife’ property when you make the call. Oh, and just smash the phone, and put the pieces in a public trash can when you’re done. We’ll be using a lot of track phones.”

ROG: “What’s that? Sorry, can’t hear you!”

ME: “Roger, I believe you’ve got it.  It's time to really start making a difference.”

CLICK!

"Tasers in the night...exchanging glances...tasers in the night..."

Here's an interesting news story:

http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/death-of-teen-on-bike-shows-risks-of-expanded-use-of-tasers/1112106

Reading the news story is rather paramount to being able to make sense out of What Lies Below.

A different source published their version of the story, along with this link, on Facebook.  Of course the reaction was predictable.  "Waaaahh!  Waaaaahh! Waaaaahh!" 

I didn't like the original link that much, as it was just another whining "news source" of sorts that gives liberals a bad name.  I prefer the poop from the people in the area news services.

What I saw, was that no one was addressing the real sociological problems here.  When boiled down to its base form, it's really just another story of a cop using poor judgment, well, no judgement at all in this case, who also happened to have an itchy trigger finger, no matter what type of trigger it's on at the time.  Hell, that's been going on since the Romans had those thugs cruising through town every night, supposedly to "protect" the public.

To really change behaviours in our society, we need to dig deeper, and try and figure out why things like this occur in the first place.  Are officers of the law in this country getting too used to whipping out a taser instead of using tried-and-true "control" holds?  Are they prepared to handle suspects if their batteries are low?  Is it a character flaw with this one cop?  Does the availability of a taser cause officers of the law to forgo that workout, or cause minimum physical requirements to be changed when hiring officers?

Instead, all we get is a bunch of momentarily enthusiastic responses, wailing to the skies above about how horrible the officer was, how tragic the boy died, blah, blah, blah.  After a day or two of being coolertalk fodder, everyone will go on with their lives.  The real questions about how to keep this from ever happening again will fade like fog meeting the morning sun.

Well, maybe if I blow it all out of proportion, say a bunch of weird stuff, and spread it around to show just how ridiculously we handle problems as a society now, it might do something.

At the least it was very cathartic for me, and kept me from getting bored, or ring'd with the azure world.

MY COMMENT:

For pity’s sake people, just how naïve ARE you? Don’t you see what’s REALLY going on here? Who the REAL villain is in this heart-rending page from the Story of Today’s America, and who the REAL victim is?

Don’t you read the papers? Watch the news? Read all those memo-updates to the policy and procedures manual where you work, and be held responsible for initialing and dating each and every one? Haven’t you ever had any kind of contact with an attorney in your blinder-fitted lives? Please.

Okay, okay, I get it. You’re thinking, “Well gee, the poor MCC (Mentally Challenged Child) was just riding a bike he borrowed from his friend, and the mean old cop shot a taser at him because he wouldn’t stop, and then ran him over, and then planted a 9mm “throwdown” on him.”

No, no, and no. You just don’t get it. You’ve got to get hip to the mindset of the 21st century. You’re like, so 1999. Okay, I can see you need help, so I’ll try and teach you how to interpret how we see life TODAY, in These United States:

First, you have to understand who the REAL villain is. It is, of course, the FRIEND WHO LOANED VICTOR THE BICYCLE, and the THE ILLEGAL AND HARMFUL ACTIONS caused by his careless disregard for all humanity.

Second, you have to understand who the REAL victim is in this case, the DEDICATED, WATCHFUL SERVANT OF THE PUBLIC, Officer Ard.

You see, in Today’s America, someone, somewhere, specifically and totally unrelated to what you’re talking about at the time, has to take THE BLAME. It can’t be Officer Ard, and it certainly can’t be Victor, because THEY WERE THE ONES DIRECTLY INVOLVED. See?

Okay, stop thinking about what you saw on the cover of the “Enquirer” when you were picking up some things for dinner on the way home from work, and pay attention.

THE REAL VILLAIN as stated before, is the murderous criminal that was solely and completely responsible for EVERYTHING THAT OCCURRED THAT EARLY, EARLY MORNING, by loaning Victor, the MCC, the bicycle that allowed the WHEELS OF HEADY MURDER to start spinning in the first place.

This villain, whoever he is, is responsible for Victor’s death, and additionally, GUILTY of putting the citizenry at risk by keeping Officer Ard from being available to respond to other calls for service. Officer Ard COULD have responded to help others in need, or get some donuts, if not for the villain’s villainous lending of the bicycle to Victor.

Judged by action alone, this “person,” took responsibility for anything that might happen to Victor by allowing him to ride his bicycle on public streets and right-of-ways, potentially putting NOT ONLY VICTOR, BUT ANYONE VICTOR CAME IN CONTACT WITH by KNOWINGLY LOANING HIS BICYCLE TO VICTOR.

That takes us to the REAL VICTIM, Officer Ard.

In just a few brief moments of time, this DEATH MERCHANT bike-loaner shattered Officer Ard’s life into little itty-bitty pieces. Not one person can say with conviction that OFFICER ARD’S LIFE WILL EVER BE THE SAME. Ever.

Simply trying to do his duty as a sworn instrument of all that is good and proper, Officer Ard valiantly engaged Victor, POSSIBLE PERPATRATOR OF A HORRIBLE THEFT, and rider of the BICYCLE FROM HELL. Disregarding his own safety, Officer Ard wheeled his patrol vehicle around at great peril to his person, and doggedly began his pursuit of the Mentally Challenged Child.

At speeds approaching 15-20 miles per hour, Officer Ard continued to disregard any concern for his own personal safety, throwing it out the window along with numerous requests for the possibly FLEEING MISDEMEANOR SUSPECT to stop.

Professionally and calmly handling what only highly trained emergency responders can, driving 15-20 miles per hour and simultaneously yelling out the window, this SELFLESS SOLDIER OF JUSTICE further taunted the Grim Reaper by daring to risk life and limb as he fired a taser out of the window at the THEFT FROM CONSTRUCTION SITE suspect, while incredibly maintaining control of his powerful STEED OF STEEL, his patrol car.

Now plug in the fact that the OOZE-BELCHING DEMON OF DARKNESS loaned the SUSPECTED AGENT OF ANARCHY the bicycle in the first place, causing this SCENARIO OF UTTER DESTRUCTION. Now take the WHEELED CAULDRON OF DOOM (bicycle) out of the equation entirely. Not having this discussion, are we? See? It’s easy.

Oh, wait. Two months later, Victor the MCC was no longer a THEFT FROM CONSTRUCTION SITE suspect…he was a TRAFFIC VIOLATION SUSPECT FOR ONLY HAVING TWO REFLECTORS ON THE BICYCLE HE WAS RIDING, without the proper safety accessories THAT ARE REQUIRED BY LAW. Hey, it’s a jungle out there. Theft From Construction Site, Traffic Violation, Murder, Rape, whatever. Officer Ard knew he was breaking the law. That’s his job.

This HITLERESQUE MINION OF EVIL KNEW, OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that the bicycle he loaned Victor was not equipped, as required by law, with the necessary safety equipment required for operation at night.

Flaunting society and convention, refusing to accept known safety standards made into law by REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE DOING REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS, this SON OF SATAN not only killed Victor as surely as stabbing him to death with a dull fork, he put EVERY CITIZEN OF THAT CITY in mortal danger, and caused irreparable harm to the mental health and psyche of every badge-wearing foot soldier of justice from sea to righteous police-state sea.

So now, as a direct result of this SPAWN OF IDI AMIN’S BRIMSTONE-SCARRED LOINS actions, a young boy lies cold and dead in a lonely grave, and Officer Ard’s life has been reduced to one heartbreaking day after another, asking the Creator what he did wrong to warrant the burden this tragic miscarriage of all that is RIGHT AND GOOD lays upon his tortured soul.

Now he spends his days fighting despicable allegations of “improperly” using a taser, and the waters are further muddied by accusations of this supposed 9mm “throw-down” that some ambulance-jockey said they found in Victor’s pocket. Why is Officer Ard, a PARAMOUR OF TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY the first person these ANGELS OF EVIL attack? What about the SOCIOPATHIC FLESH-EATER that loaned Victor the bicycle? What’s wrong with a little 9mm with your BILE-ENCRUSTED BICYCLE OF CHAOS, hmmmm?

Jeez kids, let’s step in line, and quit with the stinkin’ thinkin.’ It ain’t the 80’s anymore, and Loc’s not down with these LADIES OF LIBERTY. Get hip, or get lost. It’s time to drag yourself kicking and screaming into today, and get it right. Jump on this crazy train now, or you’re going to be left standing at the STATION OF IGNORANCE, holding onto an antiquated schedule that no longer is valid in today’s interpretation of RIGHT AND WRONG.

This ain’t the Summer of Love anymore you hippies, Godless yippy’s, and dust-covered worshippers of knee-jerk liberalized thinking. Time to move over and let the big dogs eat. Take your tear-filled granola bars, and feed’em to someone who cares. Big Dogs eat MEAT.

Facebook Fun 080110

Dale Pulliam ‎"Do you know, I always thought unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!"'Well, now that we have seen each other," said the unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."--Lewis Carroll--(Through The Looking Glass)

Faye Graham likes this.

Jackie Oliver Magoon:     Goes together like.... unicorns and glitter!

Susan Matches DeLano Jackie:    ....as I was reading your post, that commercial was on TV! LOL!

Your humble scribe?  Below.




ASK A UNICORN HUNTER



Dear Unicorn Hunter,

I am 38 years old, and fear that my husband may be cheating on me. He's been telling me he's being forced to work "overtime" at his salaried job. I know they hired a new personnel manager who's a "hottie," because I overheard him talking to his work buddies at the company picnic. He's never worked this much "overtime" before, and he never seems to feel romantic when we have time alone anymore. He says it's because he's "tired." To top it off, she's been calling him at home at all hours. He says it's "business related," and not to worry. What should I do?

Worried in Idaho



Dear Worried in Idaho:

A common mistake many beginning Unicorn Hunters make is letting their emotions cloud their natural hunting instincts.

Something about that horn, eh? Just begs you to take a headshot, doesn't it? Don’t worry. Happens to everyone. Don't let its seductive magical powers fool you. Don't forget your roots. "CMA" your shot. Center Mass Always. Just like a deer or a human, it's not going to go very far with a gaping cavity where its heart used to be. Even if you aren't exactly on-target, you're going to get something important that's going to make that Unicorn's life short and difficult.


THE UNICORN HUNTER


Dear Unicorn Hunter,

I've been happily married for 15 years. My wife has always been there for me, and we have relied on each other's strength to make it through life together. She is my rock.

Times are tough, as I'm sure you're well aware. My company has been seen its fair share of economic problems, as most companies have. Hell, the only reason I've been able to keep my job up to this point is my seniority. I've been with the company since the beginning.

As you can imagine, with all the down-sizing, I'm now doing the work of four people. Because I'm a salaried employee, I'm not eligible for overtime. The only way I was able to keep up with MY job description before the lay-offs, was to work my ass off, 40 hours a week. With the additional workload, I'm lucky to get home before 10pm. Most nights I'm walking through the door as the credits roll on Leno. Or is it Conan? Hell, I'm so tired anymore, I couldn't really tell you. It's some smartass with big hair, whoever he is.

Anyway, my wife doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of "Recession." I have told her until I'm blue in the face how stressfull this is for me, and how at the same time, I'm lucky to have a damn job in the first place. Now she thinks I'm having an affair with the new broad in personnel!

I'm not saying the lady doesn't look good in an above-knee skirt and fitted white blouse, but she's more of a hunter than you are. Woe to the man that winds up cashing THAT check. Not only that, who do you think oversees every move I make, and keeps coming up with more shit to do? I wouldn't hit that with a borrowed stick.

What can I do to make my wife understand I love her, the economy is in the shitter, and the Fembot From Hell is working me into the ground?


Perplexed in the Potato State



Dear Perplexed:

Another "Beginner's Bungle" is falling for the old "Disappearing in a Cloud of Smoke" trick.

Everyone has heard how a Unicorn disappears in a cloud of magical smoke any time danger threatens. What most people DON'T know, is where they "go."

It's an airless void, between space and time. Since it is in fact "between," there is no "space," therefore there is no light, energy, or black holes to deal with. They can stay there as long as they can hold their breath, free from the life-sucking aspects of space that would smash you flatter than a shrinky-dink if you took a stroll from the Mir station without a space suit.

And remember: Unicorns are just like humans. Sure, a few of them are jocks, and practice holding their breath like human free-divers, but by and large, they're just like you and me. Maybe a minute and a half, two minutes tops.

When that cute little sucker goes "POOF!," stay focused. Keep tracking the general area of the smoke with your sights. Sure, he's gone now, but sooner than later, he's going to run out of air, and he'll be back within a 20 ft. radius of where he disappeared. When he reappears, you’ll be ready. Not going to take another head shot, are you? Didn't think so.


THE UNICORN HUNTER



Middle-aged son stuck in the basement like black mold? In-laws pulling your spouse's strings? Uncle Billy not following the terms of the restraining order? Remember to ASK A UNICORN HUNTER!